CLARIFICATION

Let me just give a shout out to my cousins - Meka, Nashia, and Keshia, who I have no beef with and who I have always loved like they were my sisters. I tell Keshia all the time that had it not been for my Auntie Jackie I would not have been a part of family reunions or summer vacations. She always made sure I was dressed like her girls and got a chance to see my dad every year. She was my second mom and her home was my home away from home. She would always say "Tiffany you don't have to ask me if you can come over here." I probably spent more time at their house than I did at my own. And I would show up every weekend even though I knew I had to get up and start cleaning early Saturday morning. I hate the fact that Frank and Devin are miles away from each other and don't have that bond like I had with Keshia. I hate that I don't get to see my little cousins and don't really know them (especially Nashia's girls).

So let me apologize to my cousins who I love like they my sisters because at no time did I want them to think I was referring to them. I love all my family - I'm just not gone let them few keep making me feel like I'm not good enough. But I am not apologizing for expressing my feelings because they honestly had me feeling like that - but maybe I should have made some clarifications. Its about to be 2009 and I am leaving the baggage in the 08 because I am looking forward to being very happy in the New Year. So I will be in Texas and Tallahassee at some time in the 09 so I can work on seeing my peeps more.

Love Yall Deuces

God's Test - Getting It Off My Chest

2008 was one of those years where I knew everything that happened was either a blessing from God or a test from God. But with all the tests and blessings you have the devil trying to build walls around you constantly. Honestly sometimes I wondered how I was going to make it through the year. Then on top of all that I saw my relationship with my dad deteriorate right before my very eyes, and really had no idea on how I could fix it. My dad is one of those people that has a problem communicating. I was hurt that he couldn't talk to me about whatever the problem was and I was hurt that when I called him for help he didn't answer me. I felt like he had turned his back on me and tried hard to understand where he was coming from. Still right now I want to ask him questions and I want to express to him how I feel, but I am waiting until the right time. My dad was in a motorcycle accident 2 days after Thanksgiving. All I could think about was the last conversation I had with him on Thanksgiving day and how rude he had been to me. When my cousin called and told me I was mad at him because that could have been the last conversation I had ever had with him and that would have been my last memory of him, and I wanted more from him than that. If Keshia had not been in Pensacola I am not sure how long it would have took for me to find out. Going there and seeing my dad in that hospital bed helpless and disoriented I felt lost because this was a man who I rarely saw take a nap because he was always working. Having these doctors talk to me about all his medical problems and a possible amputation of his leg was driving me to tears every single day. I didn't sleep at night for over 2 weeks I would lay in bed thinking about what if.... And if that stress wasn't enough to have my family create a lie and call everyone in the family and tell them I had scheduled for his leg to be amputated hurt even worse. They hit my breaking point. My dad was laying in the hospital and they got together and plotted against me - all I could think was the devil is unbelievable. Sitting in the car on my lunch break crying to my grandmother - like Dear why would they lie on me like that, why would they want to hurt me, what have I done to these people. God gave me my answer - these people are miserable and in return they need your company so either you join them or you pray for them. I decided to pray for them. I didn't ask to be born into this family and having their name didn't stand for anything. I'm your blood and you hate to acknowledge me, but when my sister came to the hospital you run over and hug her and she not even your blood. Then you act like you love my son to front for my dad because you know Frank is it for him. But you can't love Frank and don't have love for me. Frank is me and I am my daddy. You can't have one without the other. I learned that day that having family is worst than having enemies. And its almost better to have enemies because you expect the worst from them. Just like you cut off friends that mean you no good you have to cut off family. I will no longer feel like I am an outsider or that I am not good enough to belong. Dang their last name is Kidd not Trump it ain't that serious. I feel so much better now!!!! Man this blog thing releases a lot of negative energy. I love my family and I will continue to deal with the ones that know how to mind their own business and show love. And I praying that my dad fully recovers. I am also hoping that I can talk to him soon so I can try and fix us.